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Battery Drain and Fuse Box Relay Clicking

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I apologize if there's a thread somewhere in this site that answered this question. I have been searching google and honda/acura sites for three hours, so I'm giving up and making a thread.

I have an 06 MDX with about 120K miles. It's used regularly (a couple of times a week), so no long sitting periods. It's very clean inside and out. No rust, no leaks, no major modifications except the remote start alarm system which was installed by Car Toys over a year ago and hasn't had any problems to speak of.

A couple of days ago I went out to start it and found the battery dead. No response from the remote start, remote unlock, and no clicks from the starter. The dash lights were on, but dim. I jumped it off, but it was idling rough. I revved it a little (2500), let it fall, and it died. I tried to start it, but no luck. I jumped it again, carefully drove it to the garage, and turned it off. This time it started, but was idling rough.

I had been told when I got it tested a month earlier that the alternator and battery were good, but the starter was going out, so I got a new starter and changed it out. After putting in the starter and starting the car, I noticed a clicking/knocking from the #5 cylinder (front middle). Turned out to be a loose spark plug and it killed the coil pack. I replaced the coil pack and all spark plugs.

Now that I have replaced the coil pack, spark plugs, and the starter; I hooked up the battery and prepared to start. Immediately I heard a clicking coming from the under hood fuse box. I traced it to the heater motor relay. I disconnected the battery, pulled and replaced the relay, reconnected the battery, and it still clicked.

So that's part of the problem. The other part is that, whenever the terminals are connected to the battery, there is a constant drain from the battery. I test the voltage when the terminals are connected and I get 2vdc and dropping. I test it again when the terminals are disconnected and get a stable voltage around 12vdc. If I disconnect the main power from the fuse box and test with the terminals connected, I get 5vdc and dropping.

Here's the kicker. When the battery is fully charged, if I connect the terminals and turn the key, I get nothing. No clicks, no lights, nothing. I can't even turn on the interior light.

I'm truly out of ideas, so if someone else has anything I haven't tried, please let me know. Thanks in advance.

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